Happy Pills
by evelinaonline
Summary: Ben has always felt like a bystander in his own life. He doubts some antidepressants could change that.


**I've had this idea about Ben taking antidepressants for a while, so here's a short fic of how he deals with his depression and his relationship with his siblings. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Ben knew something was wrong with him.

Aside from the eldritch monsters living in his stomach, that was. He wasn't the only one in The Umbrella Academy with strange abilities, but unlike his siblings, he hated his powers.

At first, he assumed that was all there was to it; he had simply been unlucky, and it brought him discomfort. It was nothing to worry about, and certainly wasn't worth looking into. It wasn't as if Dad would care anyway.

There weren't any teardrop stains on his siblings' pillows though. Not Vanya's, not Five's, not anyone's. Ben was the only one that fell asleep on wet fabric.

He tried to hold his tears back, especially on days Dad would have them wired up to the monitors in his office, but it became impossible to sleep before tiring himself from all the crying. And Ben was always tired.

He ended up talking to Mom about it after Five left.

Five didn't die, he _left_, Ben had to remind himself. Klaus hadn't been able to find him. He couldn't jump to conclusions, regardless of what Luther said about Klaus needing to be sober. Ben was never really close to Klaus, but he trusted him.

It was on a sunny day, the ideal time for kids to go out and play in the park around the corner, and for teenagers to go on walks. Stuff normal people did, stuff Ben couldn't do.

He walked past Vanya in the hallway and none of them said hello.

Had it been two years ago, they'd change routes and go do something together. Yet, ever since Five's disappearance, whatever it was that was connecting them disappeared too.

Ben just didn't get it.

Jealous was a bold word, but Ben had always longed for whatever it was that made Five, well, Five. The two of them were so much alike, but Five always managed to do things a tad better and to _feel _better about himself.

Ben wouldn't call him happy, but he doubted happiness existed anymore. He just knew that wherever Five's world was, it was better than his own. Vanya knew it too.

She had always preferred Five over him anyway.

The moment Vanya disappeared from view, Ben found himself collapsing on the floor, curling up into a ball. The instructional combat pictures at the other side of the narrow hallway were staring at him, _mocking _him.

Ben wasn't built for this.

He didn't want to be the horror. He _wasn't _the horror.

Was he?

"Ben, darling, what's wrong?"

He looked to his right only to see Mom kneel next to him, placing a caring hand on his shoulder. She was smiling — of course she was smiling — but she was clearly concerned. It only took one look into her eyes, her empty yet somehow lifeful eyes, for him to break down.

"There's something wrong with me," Ben said before letting a river stream down his face.

* * *

Apparently Ben suffered from depression.

It wasn't as if he hadn't suspected it before, but it still startled him to think about. Depression isn't a word you normally want associated with you. It scared Ben.

He scared himself.

"I don't wanna take them," he finally said, taking his eyes off the circular box of pills in his hand, and looking up at Vanya.

Dad had given them to him after breakfast a few days after he told Mom. He couldn't believe he had actually bothered with him. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but usually he only got the bad kind of affection from Dad.

The pills even had his name on it and everything.

It made him sick.

"Why?" Vanya asked, putting her violin in its case.

It was rare for them to hang out anymore, but sometimes they'd seek each other's comfort during their spare time. Ben knew Vanya didn't really mean to shut him out, after all.

"It feels as if I'm admitting there's something wrong," Ben said. "With me, I mean."

"I take them too, you know," Vanya said. "Antidepressants are good for you."

If they were supposed to help, then why was Vanya always so down?

"I just don't want to take them," Ben insisted. "If this doesn't work, nothing will."

"You'll never find out unless you try. You were prescribed these for a reason-"

"You don't get it," Ben interrupted. "It's different-"

"Because you have powers?" Vanya cut him off. "I thought you out of all people would know better than to use that card on me."

"That is not what I meant."

"Then what is it, Ben?" Vanya asked, and Ben absolutely hated that slip of anger in her voice. "Because now would be the perfect time to explain."

"You're not the only one looking for explanations," Ben mumbled loud enough for Vanya to hear.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means."

They stayed silent for a few minutes, but it felt like hours. Ben did not like the aura that was building up in Vanya's room at all.

They were supposed to be best friends, and it was as if they were doing their best to block the path that brought them together while ripping apart everything they'd built in the process.

Then again, Five had taken part of what made them friends with him when he left.

It had always been scary to think how in order for him to be friends with Vanya, Five had to be there, but Ben played no factor in _their _friendship. Thinking about it now was devastating.

"I need some time for myself, I think," Vanya broke the silence. "To practice."

Ben almost smiled, looking at the perfectly sealed violin at the side of her bed. "Okay."

"And try taking the pills. They'll help."

He reached for the door, wondering if he should say anything.

He didn't.

* * *

Ben had been wrong about one thing; he wasn't the only one that hated his powers.

Apparently the reason Klaus had started taking drugs in the first place was to block his. Every pill was another push away from the ghosts that haunted him every second of his day.

It took Ben dying to find out.

Ben died on a mission when he was seventeen years old, ripped apart by his own powers.

He had been confused at first; why was everyone ignoring him?

But then the flashing images of his final battle came knocking on his head. He had spent all his life hating the horror more than anything, and during his final moments, the horror returned that hatred by ripping him apart.

It'd hurt so much it stopped hurting.

He watched his own funeral. He watched everyone mourn him, he watched _Vanya _mourn him. He was mourning himself.

And then Klaus saw him, joint in one hand and empty bottle in another, completely shaken up. No one believed him when he said he had seen Ben.

What hurt the most was that Ben didn't know if he'd have believed him either.

It was all an adventure from there.

He spent the next years of his life — or rather, _after_life — following Klaus around and getting to know him. He was such a weird person, but Ben kinda liked it. Klaus was different. Ben _needed _different.

Who he once considered a stranger in his house had become his best friend, and Ben did not know how to feel about that. He kinda liked it though, not being sure of what he's feeling.

But sometimes, it was hard to be around Klaus.

Ben was watching him throw away his life due to his powers, the very same thing that killed Ben, and it could be a handful to think about.

Because Ben had been wrong about something else too; the pills had worked, and now he didn't have them anymore.

Klaus' happy pills were different from Ben's. They made him relaxed and jumpy at the same time, they made him lose sense of his environment, but unlike the other ghosts, they never made him lose Ben.

Ben knew it was wrong, but he couldn't blame Klaus for needing his fix.

The first weeks of being dead were unbearable. Without his antidepressants, Ben could hardly even take his hoodie off without feeling exposed. It was as if he was letting Klaus read him, and Ben wasn't ready to be read.

He was afraid of the friendship they were forming. He was afraid of being tossed to the side again.

But he assumed he had already hit rock-bottom, so what was there to lose?

Klaus. Klaus was there to lose.

He wanted this to work. He wanted Klaus to get better, to escape what Ben couldn't, to be _happy._ Ben wasn't going to let another friend go like that.

Klaus needed him, and Ben was not ready to move on just yet.


End file.
